I've fought valiantly with the elliptical machine this week and have come out the other side, upping the wattage, the resistance and the distance each time we met this week. I have now gone a full mile longer in 30 minutes than I did when I first used the elliptical machine one week ago. It's amazing to me how quickly the human body responds to treatment. Every step I take towards wellness is rewarded within me.
In three short weeks, I've been weaned from the need of acid reflux medication. I no longer have heartburn and no longer need to take pills to combat it. I have not taken an acid reflux pill in almost a week.
In three short weeks, I've gone from having excrutiating pains in my lower back when I stand for more than a few minutes at a time to having almost no pain at all.
In three short weeks, I've broken out in hives, acne, migraines and had severe intestinal distress. All were signs my body was ridding itself of the toxins within. Now, three weeks in, I feel lighter and better on the inside than I've ever felt before. My cheeks even have a rosier glow. My eyes are brighter than I ever remember them.
In three short weeks, my body now knows how to fall asleep within minutes of laying my head on the pillow and awake (without the alarm) every morning at 5:30am.
These body-bounce backs are perhaps the most beautiful and concrete and illustration I have of forgiveness as I proceed in this journey. It is something I hang onto as I continue to learn how to forgive myself.
Thank you, Lord, for creating a machine so amazing that it kept going, even in it's toxicity. Thank you for creating a machine so amazing that it knew exactly how to snap back into shape. Your handiwork is amazing.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
Someday, I hope to master more than smoothie recipes on this plan. So far, though, everything I've made in the lean proteins/fat portions have been pretty standard fare. So forgive me while I post yet another yummy way to get in your fats and proteins in one delicious smoothie.
Ingredients
11.42 oz Unsweetened Almond Milk
1.5 Scoops of Protein Powder
2 tsp Lemon Infused Olive Oil (yes, I'm serious)
1 Handful of Spinach or Kale (just the leafy part; no stems on the Kale)
4 ice cubes
Place in VitaMix and whirl on 9 until the greens are properly "juiced".
I am absolutely overwhelmed with emotion this evening.
I had
a particularly grueling 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. Because it was my
second time on the machine, I didn’t think it would be as hard as it was the
first time. It was harder and the pain was unreal. I’d no sooner begun than I
wanted to stop. When I got off the machine the first time, I was tired, but I
felt strong and powerful. This time I felt weak and diminutive.
I posted about the rough workout on facebook and was overwhelmed
by the positive and amazing posts from friends, acquaintances and even one
client. People are rooting for me and it should make me feel stronger, but I feel weak. I feel exposed. I feel feeble.
Today at work three people asked if I’ve lost any weight. I have lost weight, as a matter of fact. A
lot. I’ve lost way more than I feel
comfortable sharing at this point. It’s a number so big that I should be
shouting it from the rooftops, but I’ve kept that number to myself, telling
only my mom & two closest girlfriends. Today, sensing the goodwill behind the questions, I filled in my coworkers on my weight loss. They were loving, kind and wonderfully supportive. They were even excited for me. Yet, I had this churning in my stomach after telling them... the distinct feeling of remorse.
I feel successful and I feel ashamed. I feel guilt
and I feel grit. There's an icky-sticky of emotions attached to weight loss that is unexpected. I expected that, once I started to unzip my fat suit, I
would feel nothing but joy. Underneath this fat suit, however, there’s a woman who is
appalled at what she has allowed herself to become.
As I begin to emerge from under the fat suit, I know there are things to be said. I need to tell the woman within that I’m sorry; that I didn’t mean for this to happen; that it was the only
way I knew how to cope with some of the pain and trauma of my life…
The weakness and vulnerability I feel tonight have exposed a truth: I haven't forgiven myself yet. I haven't forgiven myself for making choices that ultimately meant I needed to choose between surgery, professional help or, quite frankly, death.
I know if I'm ever to experience the joy of success, I need to forgive myself for these transgressions. I know that forgiveness must happen in these early days. I know that the forgiveness can't be fleeting - it must be concrete, permanent, unshakable. I know I will need to draw on that forgiveness when I feel weak (like tonight), vulnerable (like tonight) and exposed (like tonight).
I find myself in a unique place of knowing what needs to be done and no idea how to make it happen. And so, tonight, I cry. I cry, not because it's hopeless, but because it's a long journey and, sometimes what you really need, is a good-n-ugly cry to get to the next stop.
There's an old song by Bob Dylan that's a little annoying (as I find many Bob Dylan songs), but it's one that I sing to myself when I am nervous about a decision or, you know, something different. The mantra has taken on some different meanings these last two weeks as I learn to trust myself to make good choices.
I mentioned earlier that I'm on a social-engagement ban, entertaining only at my home and not going anywhere except to the gym or to work in these early days. I made the decision almost without knowing how much I needed to make it. I had this sense that it was the right thing to do, so I wrote it down and didn't really think much more about it after that.
It turns out, though, that I've discovered something about myself these last couple of weeks. I'm a night snacker. You may ask me how I've gotten to this age and not known this about myself, and I would say that I was surprised as well. I would have told you one million times that I was an afternoon junk-food junkie, but as it so happens, I'm not. Now that I'm eating (or as my nutritionist likes to say "feeding"... that's another blog post in and of itself) six times a day, I'm no longer hungry after lunch and looking to the vending maching or soda to stave off the pangs before dinner.
At night, when I've come to a complete rest and am watching television, reading a book or talking on the phone (or typing blog articles), I want snacks. I'm not hungry, I just want a snack. Sometimes salty, sometimes sweet, it doesn't matter. I want a late-night snack, please. After two weeks, I daresay I've realized that this late-night snacking habit is something I picked up in the last five years and it's something I've been doing to stop my mind wandering towards thoughts of loneliness or unhappiness.
So this commitment to stay home has been amazing. I'm not out driving my car to or thru for snacks anywhere. I'm home where I've cleaned out my cupboards, leaving only the "good stuff" and trust this: I don't want to snack on a chicken breast, eggs or another daggum protein shake, you guys. Staying at home, in the silence (and sometimes against the drone of the television) means I have the opportunity to sit and deal with thoughts I've been avoiding (some of which I've been avoiding since I was nineteen years old).
Because I only eat at designated time and because I am to never snack, I now look at every intention, every reason I would eat outside of hunger. This isn't a laugh-a-minute, but I have this sense that it's one of the most important things I've ever done. I'm learning how to trust myself to make good choices. I can do it in almost every other aspect of my life, but my track record in making good wellness decisions is less than exemplary. Staying home is giving me the room necessary to make baby steps towards good decisions.
I'm looking forward to the day when, on this plan, I can trust myself fully & expectantly to be out and about, with friends or family, at a restaurant or home and not grab for something that isn't "on plan". I've no doubt that day will come in its own time.
Until it does, I am gratefully getting to know myself again. There's no noise (or medication) crowding out the thoughts in my head. It's just me. I'm getting to know me, understand me, not hide from me.
I am drinking the most delicious smoothie. It is delicious, filling and just the sort of pick-me-up this dreary afternoon needed. I'm recording the recipe here for future purposes and for future LAF trainees. Don't let the color fool you - this smoothie is a beautfiful green color, but it tastes like orange heaven.
ORANGE CREME SMOOTHIE (Makes 2; Scroll Below for Exchanges)
Put all ingredients into VitaMix, blend at 9 for 45 seconds. Pour into Two Chilled Cups. One for now... one for later (makes about 48oz total; 24 oz per cup)
Everything I touched today turned to crap. Seriously.
Between a fraud alert on my pesonal card, corporate card, an iPod failure, an Apple Store problem, an upset stomach and software failure, I found myself knee-deep in cuss words, frustrations and thoughts of sabotage.
When I was knee-deep in the Apple thing (and knee deep in unabashed tears over it), my alarm when off telling me it was time to eat my third meal. I wasn't in the mood to eat - I was too angry. Because I hate failing almost as much as I hated Apple at that moment, I forced down my third meal.
When I finally realized that I wasn't going to get the help I needed on my software today, my fourth-meal alarm went off telling me it was time to eat. I wasn't in the mood. This time, because I was too depressed. I'd have been more in the mood to eat if I was falling out of a plane. Because I knew I had a workout coming up, I opened my tuna over greens and poked at it... but I certainly wasn't hungry.
Then someone mentioned Subway
Wow, did the taste buds came alive! Suddenly, I wanted a toasted, 6" Italian BMT with spinach, cucumbers, peppers and tomatoes right then. Ooooh... and a cherry coke. Oh! And a bag of Sun Chips! I wanted to hate-eat all 880 calories of that meal. I still wasn't hungry. I just wanted to eat that.
I had to take some tonight to figure out what I was feeling in that Subway moment. I found that I was feeling myriad of things... Shame (over the fraud on my corporate card for not finding it sooner); Anger (at the Apple Store); Helplessness (over the bugs in my necessary software); Fear (because my stomach has been so often upset these last two weeks); Guilt over possibly ruining my iPod; Then, strangely, Shame Again (over being fat).
What? What's frightening is that somehow, the frustrations I encountered today, that have nothing to do with food or diet or self-image, re-ignited my Fat-Shame. For the last year, I've had a sod-all relationship with myself and food. For one year, I've eaten exactly what I wanted when I wanted because I convinced myself that nothing I did or experienced mattered. I'll always be this size, so I might as well eat whatever I like.... No one notices me... I might as well eat this... because none of it matters anyway. I realized tonight that I am angry with myself for being too fat to eat Subway in the first place. How crazy is that?
In this space, with these fat-shame, guilt-ridden, frustrated feelings, I want my medicine - my carbs - my sugar - my soda - to get me through this. I want Subway or pizza or anything to numb this gurgling of emotion, but my access to the medicine has been cut off. I have made a committment to health and life-transformation. Within this commitment, I must sit here, med-free. I must sit with this sod-all feeling. I must deal with the shame and the guilt, the fear and the frustration. I must feel every last bit of it.
And it is awful. And it is uncomfortable. And, yet, it is beautiful and somewhat liberating. Because I allowed myself to sit through it; because I allowed myself to understand what I was feeling, I now see how quickly these outward experiences became inward, how quickly I went from feeling in control to out-of-control, how quickly I went from feeling self-compassion to feeling self-loathing.
Today, I kept playing that Florence & the Machine Song Shake it Out over and over.
"I am done with this graceless heart" she sings. "I'm always dragging that horse around... and tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground."
I made a commitment this year to be more gracious to myself. I am done with my graceless heart. Addiction to food (as well as guilt & shame) isn't pretty. I may not be addicted to illegal substances, but my pathway to health and peace will be every bit as painful as those who do. I will not get to peace with a graceless heart.
In my newfound understanding of today's emotions, I made a commitment to bury this damn horse in the ground. I made a committment to not medicate (eat), regardless of the feelings. I made this commitment because, tonight, I have the strength of a rookie. I did this, because, someday, I will experience a personal pain, a personal suffering and if I don't build up my don't-eat-muscle now, I will not be able to draw on it when I've been rejected, hurt, discarded, dismissed, abandoned, angered.
This pain I feel tonight? This isn't personal, this is material. This is nothing. Tonight, I draw on the wobbly strength I've established in the last two weeks and resist the urge to medicate.
Tonight, I am strong. Tomorrow I will dance, and it's hard to dance with a devil on your back.
I actually began this weightloss journey with LAF back in December when I was accepted into his program. Even though my program didn't start until January, I took a few weeks to write down some of the boundaries I needed to put in place before I began.
One of the first things I decided to do was to take three weeks off from my "life". That meant -- I don't accept any social engagements outside of my home. My life, for the first three weeks, was to be this: cardio, work, home, prep food, sleep...ad nauseum. The second thing I decided to do was to take every Saturday & Sunday off from everything except food research and prep for the week for the first six weeks. Last weekend, I worked until Saturday night, 11pm on just my grocery list. Sunday, I worked four hours in the kitchen prepping 18 meals for the week ahead. I was super cranky and super-uninspired by the end of it, but it saved my ass this week on at least 10 occassions. The third thing I committed to do was to look at this thing, not in months or years or days, but in 6 day increments. Every six days, I check in with my nutritionist/trainer. It's either "business as usual" or a little bit of a change. Plus - many times, I'll get a "free meal" (That is, a meal with no restrictions). I decided that I could do anything for six days, and if six days became too much, then I would allow myself to think of it in terms of "today" and "today" became too much, I would allow myself to think of this plan in terms of "this meal". I'm only one week in and I've had to draw on each of these boundaries a few times. I've had to say no to a few social engagements. I had to spend most of Saturday pouring over a food list and choosing healthy foods to prep for myself that would create appealing fuel and I've had to say to myself one million times "You can eat broccoli for this meal" (because, people, broccoli does not wish to be cooked ahead. Broccoli wishes, instead, to be steamed and served immediately. Immediately. Next to cabbage, it's the diva-est of the vegetables. It joins Salmon, which is pretty much Miss Universe when it comes to cooking ahead. That was the worst idea I'd ever had. Ever. Unless you like to eat garbage and then it's a delicious treat). After a very successful first week - both staying on plan AND in weightloss, I find myself wobbling in each of these boundaries. I'm so proud of myself and I want to go outside and play. I want to walk into a coffee shop and announce to anyone who'll listen (in Dennis Quaid Style) that I took care of myself this week - that I freaking lost weight! I felt confident and light and I wanted to be seen needed to be seen. Unfortuntately, I know better and I know it's best for me to settle in to this way of life, make it part of me and then reenter the world as I knew it. There'll be time for Dennis Quaid announcements in the future I guess. As I wobble in my committment to prep food this Sunday, I send this out into the ether-world... where I can poke at it and remember how this is good for me and how me, in a kitchen, for four hours today is a lovely gift for Thursday's Kendra who is frantically trying to both get to work on time and stuff things in a gym bag. You're welcome, ThursdayKendra, you're welcome. What are some of the things YOU do to keep your resolutions?
